Staying Together: When an Affair Pulls You Apart

Marriage & Mountain Climbing

I just finished Dr. Stephen M. Judah’s (1949–2008) book Staying Together: When an Affair Pulls You Apart. The book is full of stories of his experiences counseling couples caught in the web of an affair (or some cases multiple affairs). He describes these marriages using a very helpful illustration: mountain climbing. As Judah sees it, couples climb toward an affair. He calls it “the ascent into brokenness.”

Novice climbers approach the mountain unaware of what awaits them. In my one experience climbing, I remember watching a couple of my team members have uncontrollable emotional reactions as they acclimatized to the altitude. Similarly, nothing can truly prepare a person for all that marriage entails. Couples should avail themselves of every opportunity possible to prepare and train, just as a climber should! Preventative measures are practiced by the wise of heart. Even so, you still have to climb (i.e., get married) to have the real experience.

from Staying Together: When an Affair Pulls You Apart by Dr. Stephen M. Judah

Judah describes the active affair as the peak of the ascent into brokenness; he also calls it the “death zone.” The reason for such a description is because a person cannot linger long on the peak of a mountain and live—the body simply cannot take it. Likewise, a marriage cannot linger long in an affair. He also compares the active affair to the peak of a mountain ascent because an affair does not simply all of a sudden happen. A couple climbs into it. Judah describes the progressive ascent into brokenness as the accumulation of brokenness from sin, brokenness from the family of origin, brokenness from our peer group, brokenness from dating relationships, romantic love, civil war, the evolution of affair conditions, and finally the peak—the active affair. Rather than an affair being a spontaneous act of passion, the spiritual and social science of the act explains that the affair is the result of the unchecked accumulation of brokenness in a person’s life. We enter marriage with imbedded flaws that remain hidden until a crisis exposes them.

As a boy, I remember watching footage of the January 28, 1986 NASA space shuttle Challenger explosion. It happened 73 seconds into its flight. All crew members were lost. The U.S. House Committee on Science and Technology concluded its hearings with a statement: “The fundamental problem was poor technical decision-making over a period of several years by top NASA and contractor personnel, who failed to act decisively to solve the increasingly serious anomalies in the Solid Rocket Booster joints” (under Conclusions, pages 3–7). Years of poor decisions by experts who failed to act decisively created a death zone that exposed everything.

The Ascent into Brokenness

Civil War

In his chapter entitled “Civil War,” he writes, “The experience of civil war has universal and unmistakable characteristics: (1) Awfulization best characterizes the overall experience. The warring pair tend to primarily see the bad in the other. The good is denied or remains carefully ignored. Each becomes at risk to fall into a pattern of being at their worst. (2) Awareness of incompetence—The couple becomes mostly conscious of each other’s incompetence. (3) Negative response—The couple moves either against or away from each other, engaging in classic fight or flight. (4) Depressed sensory acuity—The couple’s senses are diminished, and they attribute the lack of clarity to a lifelessness in their relationship. (5) Separation—They may think or say, ‘I can’t stand to live with you.’ (6) Incompletion—They may think or say, ‘Something is missing.’ (7) Unfamiliarity and disbelief—They may think or say, ‘I’m in the wrong place with the wrong person. How did I ever get here?’ . . . We demand more and put up with less” (pages 65–66). The reality is that both spouses have both brokenness and wholeness within them. Dr. Judah states that “master couples” learn how to focus and practice an awareness of one another’s competencies, which eventually evolves into an unconscious trust in one another’s competencies.

Evolution of Affair Conditions

I found chapter seven, “The Evolution of Affair Conditions,” insightful. He suggests that both “difficult” and “good” marriages experience affairs, and then he seeks to answer the question “Why?” He proposes a two-fold answer: (1) the 60% push and (2) the 40% pull. A negative or difficult marriage environment is likely to “push” a spouse toward an affair. Dr. Judah describes the primary factors at play as (1) communication issues, (2) character or developmental issues (e.g., unmet needs), (3) conflict resolution issues, (4) adult life stage or landmarks (e.g., mid-life crisis), and/or (5) confused or broken choices. A combination of these factors can literally “push” someone toward an affair. However, sometimes affairs (40%) happen in marriages described by couples as “happy” or “fulfilled.” In these cases, there are factors present that “pull” a spouse into an extramarital affair: (1) proximity, (2) similarity, and (3) reward. Work relationships where men and women are working in close proximity and where conversation moves from work-related into more personal feelings, desires, dreams, etc. Unintentionally, boundaries are crossed. From proximity, similarities may begin to surface and create a dangerous intimacy. Eventually, it is possible for the offending spouse to perceive rewards associated in an affair with the third party person.

After explaining these “push” and “pull” realities of the evolution of affairs, Judah offers wrong ways to handle the evolution of an affair and right ways to handle the evolution of an affair (pages 69–75):

Wrong Ways Right Ways
Toying with the possibility of having an affair Commit to finding a way to create a strong marriage—step away from the edge and look for the safe path
Acting out (without talking about) your negative thoughts and emotions Talk about your inner struggle—find friends of the marriage, those who will strengthen your commitment to the marriage bond
Blaming yourself or your partner Replace blame with understanding and take responsibility
Getting bad advice from friends, family members, coworkers, affair partners, or even counselors Get professional guidance that specializes in marriage or relationships
Triangulation or substitute triangulation, which is focusing more on the third party or some other substitute that you do on your spouse Embrace the usefulness of suffering, and choose optimism—suffering together can be a bonding experience
Focusing on the third party rather than on your core values and commitments Focus on the primary couple, the husband and wife
Waiting for a crisis, that is, most people seek help only after an affair has happened Focus on your core values and commitments
Be proactive, preventative and preemptive.
Master essential disciplines—Dr. Judah covers these in part three of his book.

Dr. Judah brings this chapter to an interesting close by warning readers not to dismiss the role of both evil and good supernatural forces at work behind the evolution of an affair. As people of the Bible, we believe in supernatural realities. God calls us to love as he loves—with faithful, steadfast love; however, sin, Satan, and demonic activity are realities opposed to human flourishing. Beware the spiritual forces at work in the “push” and “pull” of the evolution of an affair. Cling to your God and to your spouse.

The Descent into Wholeness

The third part of the book is entitled “Descent into Wholeness.” Surprisingly, the descent down the mountain is harder than the climb up. I remember being caught off guard by this during my single mountaineering experience. There a number of factors that make it more difficult: (1) you’re not as motivated; (2) the goal destination seems boring and anticlimactic; (3) it hurts your joints and feet in an unexpected way; (4) you’re off balance because of terrain; (5) you’re exhausted; (6) you have fewer supplies and possibly damaged gear; (7) you’re far more irritable; (8) the path isn’t always as clear; and (9) well, you’re just done! While all this is true, you must make it back down the mountain—your life depends on it. You can’t survive long at the top. Reaching bottom restores normal, whole, healthy living.

In this section, Dr. Judah walks the reader through his five essential disciplines that have the potential to restore wholeness to a marriage broken by an affair: (1) SHARE—sharing the truth with your spouse, (2) RECONCILE—reconciling the crisis with your spouse, (3) REFINE—redefine and realign your character through development and commitment, (4) ENHANCE—rebuilding and cultivating the positive, (5) ENVISION—flourish by creating the possible, exploring tomorrow’s dreams, and generating today’s plan. The first three disciplines function “like powerful workhorses to transform the negative” (1) communication techniques, (2) crisis experiences, and (3) character traits; whereas, the final two disciplines (4) cultivate what is good and (5) create the possible.

The Crisis & RECONCILE

In chapter ten entitled, “The Crisis,” he borrows an experience from Andy Politz, who has reached the summit of Mount Everest multiple times. He writes, “On one occasion he helped rescue a party of five . . . They had spent the night near the peak in bad conditions. Another party had come across them but left the party for dead, giving them only a candy bar to assuage their own guilt. Andy and his party, by contrast, abandoned their climb to devote all their resources to the rescue. The party in trouble needed oxygen and water of course, but mostly they needed someone to walk them down the mountain step by step. Every two steps those being rescued would collapse. Generally competent, experienced and strong, now they were temporarily dazed, confused, weak and blind. They could not rescue themselves. They needed somebody to help. Rescue by definition usually requires others” (page 108).

He continues to develop what the essential discipline of RECONCILE looks like for the offending and the offended spouses. The offending spouse may experience a great deal of relief when the affair is either discovered or confessed; however, the offended spouse often goes through a threefold process that he describes as (1) disorganization, (2) reorganization, and (3) organization. Further, the offended spouse may experience something similar to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and other severe emotional conditions. Judah writes at the close of this chapter, “Oddly enough, the descent into wholeness involves temporarily putting your partner into a crisis state. The offending spouse has been in the death zone for a while, so descending lets them breathe a little easier. By contrast, the offended spouse feels like they have been dropped into the death zone of a mountain peak without any acclimatization. The necessary disclosure hits the offended spouse hard” (page 125). While this crisis has to be a part of the journey, it is miserable.

Flourishing & ENVISION

Chapter thirteen introduces that couples who have experienced an affair can indeed flourish again. “With God all things are possible” (Matt. 19:26). Here, he helps couples recover and reestablish core desires and core values together. Having “survived, stabilized, and succeeded, then pursue significance” together. Couples that reach this ENVISION stage of the descent into wholeness are invited to imagine a resurrected relationship in which they can clarify goals and adjust priorities. Couples that remain committed in the descent can have fulfilling relationships, discover anew that they are good at something together, make the world a better place together, and enjoy peace with God together.

The Spiritual and the Scientific

Descending into wholeness is possible for the couple that has encountered the “death zone” of an active affair. It will take help from others; it will take commitment to a process; and it will take a new hope and vision. Dr. Judah has a couple of appendices at the end of his book that speak to special situations that couples may face along the way of their journey. His final chapter addresses “The Spiritual and the Scientific: A Fusion of Strengths.” He is a committed Christian, who has trained and worked as a social scientist (a.k.a. a professional marriage counselor). He describes the relationship between the two by returning to his mountaineering imagery. He explains, “Mountain climbers have found one particular rope design superior to all others. The structure involves an inner core rope that provides strength and a series of woven otter strands which amplify strength and offer protection. You cannot actually see the vital inner rope. You can only see the otter strands. When spiritual wisdom and the wisdom of social science combine, a fusion of strengths occurs. They become woven together like strands of a rope. At the core lies an indescribable, invisible and vital force. We cannot see God, but we can see the strands surrounding the core” (page 172).

Don’t Lose Hope; Grab the Rope

Don’t die on the mountaintop trying to handle your crisis all alone. There is hope. Get some help. May God grant your marriage the grace to descend back into wholeness with a new hope and vision. May it be stronger having gone through such an incredible crisis.

Navigating Singleness and Marriage in the Christian Life – Part 2

Last month in The Messenger, I shared three of six principles that I learned during a season of singleness several years ago: Mission, Love, and Purity. This month, I want to continue writing about the final three—Trust, Loyalty, and Community.
Navigate Trust

The Greek word used in the New Testament for our English verb “to believe” is πιστεύω (pis-teu-O), and its range of meaning is

to entrust oneself to an entity in complete confidence, believe (in), trust, with implication of total commitment to the one who is trusted. In our literature, God and Christ are objects of this type of faith that relies on their power and nearness to help, in addition to being convinced that their revelations or disclosures are true (BDAG entry). 

Growing to trust God’s reliability should be the desire of every Christian, regardless of their marital status. Do you trust him with your singleness? Do you trust him with your marriage? Do you trust him when there’s brokenness? The Scriptures teach that humans were created to believe God and his word. Our depravity tempts us to doubt and reject God’s reliability. The love of God in Christ’s salvation calls us to contrition, so that we turn from unbelief toward belief again. In the restoration at the end, our faith will become sight. My point here is to demonstrate that to believe and trust God is human. Faith is something that grows; it’s dynamic and developing, setting us free from unbelief as we walk with God in the present and remember his past faithfulness. A “mustard seed” of faith can go a long way, because the object of our faith is so strong and steady. A little bit of trust in God can change your life, because he is so trustworthy. So, wherever you find yourself relationally, take the advice of Jim Elliot, “Wherever you are, be all there.” The purpose of this quote is not to say that the single person should not/will not ever get married, but rather do not fail to exhaust all that God has for you to learn while your single. Trust him with the seasons of your life. Willingly offer to him your dreams by loosening your grip on singleness and marriage, and allow him to fill your hands with his dreams for singleness and marriage (1 Corinthians 7).

Navigate Loyalty

Loyalty to something outside of the self is highly suspect today. To me, there is an obvious connection with this cultural trend and problems in the family and in the church. Christians should be asking, “How does God feel about loyalty? Does he think it is a virtue or a vice?” The Scriptures are clear that God himself is loyal, faithful, and steadfast in his love (Psalm 26:3); however, the Scriptures also testify to the uniqueness of loyalty among humans: 

Many people profess their loyalty, but a faithful person–who can find? (Proverbs 20:6 NET). 

Therefore, God is loyal and desires it among humans who bear his image. 

The single person should practice loyalty. Whether you marry or not, loyalty is a virtue that will benefit you in every walk of life, especially in marriage. One place where you can practice loyalty is your local church—be loyal when it’s hard and even when you disagree. You’ll have plenty of difficult and disagreeing days when you get married. I think that the Scriptures indicate that loyalty can be hard even when we agree in our relationships with God, church, family, and others. We were created by God to experience life through loyalty to him. Sin divided our loyalty into loyalties. Jesus came and is coming again to be Lord of our loyalties. Practice steadfast love and faithfulness now. 

Married people are wise to intentionally practice loyalty to their spouses, by continuing to learn and lean on God’s loyalty. God is loyal to his people in every way, even when it comes to death on a cross to save them. In our world of technology and mobility, there are married people who think that they can get away with living two lives. However, God knows the loyalties of our hearts, sees every action, and is Judge of all. His all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-powerful presence is not hindered by geography or technology. Married people have entered into a covenant with God for one another, and this covenant is a liberating restriction, refining our loyalty. As Paul taught the Galatians about Christian living,

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another (Gal. 5:13). 

The Scriptures are clear that the loyalty expressed to one’s spouse is a parable and picture about God’s loyal love to us in the gospel (Ephesians 5:22–33). Maybe you’re divorced and single. What does the practice of loyalty look like for you? Your situation could be very complex, and I do not feel we should minimize all of the potential difficulties and obstacles to loyalty in some cases. Maybe you were and are loyal, but your husband or wife was not or is not. Maybe you were the one who failed to be loyal. By God’s grace, let’s ask, what does it look like for you to be loyal today? What does it look like for you to imitate the gospel-kind of loyalty that God displays—today? Is God calling you to be loyal to your marriage covenant, even though your spouse has not been? What is God asking you do? Is God asking you to pray? Reach out again? The Scriptures are clear that what God unites as “one flesh,” man is unable to separate—no matter what human law may say. Some of you may already be remarried, or you are single, but your former spouse is already remarried. Wherever you are, be all there, and seek to be full of God and his word. Begin practicing loyalty today. If you’re remarried, be loyal in your current marriage. If you are single, practice loyalty in your church, in your family, and in your friendships. 

Navigate Community

Lastly, I see community as extremely beneficial to the single person and the married person. As a single person, I was on the receiving end of some great advice and counselors. I am very thankful for those men and women who spoke truth into my life as I was trying to figure out what it meant to be a man who walked with God. The community of believers in the local church should be a great resource for the single person; however, too often, a pastor hears horror stories about things that are said to single people in the church. Single people strengthen the community and the mission. The community should also be a greenhouse for the single person to grow in his or her relationship with God, no matter if marriage is or is not in his or her future. The married couple also needs the community. Marriage is enjoyable and hard—it’s not either/or; it’s both/and. The church is a place of support when there is sorrow (Matt. 5:4); the church is a place of counseling when there’s conflict (Rom. 15:14); the church is a place of honest rebuke and correction when there is sin (Matt. 18:15–20); the church is a place of grace when there is repentance about failure (2 Cor. 2:7–11); the church is a place of celebration when families hit milestones and spiritual markers (Philem. 4–5). The married couple and their story also contribute to the community. Young adults need to see decades of joy and perseverance in marriage. The married couple that has children knows how to love other children too. The married couple who does not or cannot have children of their own can become spiritual mothers and fathers to the children of the church. The church needs single and married people. Single and married people need the church. Best of all, single and married people who claim Christ as Savior and King share him in common, and he is our peace. Our marital statuses are different, but our Lord is one.

I hope that these six principles—Mission, Love, Purity, Trust, Loyalty, and Community—will help you navigate the waters of the single life and the married life. I pray that the Spirit of Truth will always be your teacher, for he always seeks to glorify the gospel of Jesus in and through you. May he speak to you through the word of God in the season in which you currently are seeking him.